Divorce: The Unseen Grief

---

Do you know of someone who is going through a divorce? Perhaps a coworker, a parent from your child’s school, or a couple you know at church. Divorce can naturally provoke a variety of responses: “I had no idea, that’s too bad, I’m not surprised, she’s the problem, it’s his fault, etc.” It is an unsettling tragedy, signaling the end of a union that likely started out with immense hope, joy, and sincerity. And yet, we seem to encounter it all of the time. It might even feel common. Even so, frequency doesn’t make something less difficult or painful, and those who are divorced would be the first to say so.

For those of us witnessing divorce from a distance, it may be akin to seeing a car accident happen while waiting at a red light. Everything seems okay. Then without warning there is a sudden collision that takes our breath away. In a second, the normalcy of life is disrupted and significant damage is done. Most importantly, those involved usually experience suffering, both acutely at the moment of impact and long term after the fact. The effects can be lasting and, at times, irreversible. Divorce is a rupture that leaves those affected in ways we may never fully know. And, much like witnessing a car accident, we may hold onto our perspective and make judgements based on what we observed.

It’s safe to say that the average person who experiences divorce never entered their marriage with the intention of this outcome. And now, with it looming on the horizon, both parties involved face a wave of stress, change, and grief. If you know of someone going through or grieving a divorce, here are some things to keep in mind.

1) The reason is not always obvious

When a divorce happens, it usually comes after the death of a relationship where physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual intimacy have ceased to exist. The reasons for this may be complex and difficult to understand, even for those in the relationship. If someone is involved in a divorce, they may not be aware of exactly how their relationship arrived at this point. Life is complicated. People are imperfect. Values shift. Energy and focus take different directions. While either partner may point to specific causes for the divorce, the full story is rarely simple. What happened is not always obvious.

2) Judgement is inevitable

Divorce is polarizing. Even if all the formalities, paperwork and legal proceedings happen privately, the fact itself spreads like broadcast for public consumption. Family, friends, and acquaintances may be quick to form a judgement and pick sides. Some relationships may come to a sudden end, friends may feel compelled to share their unsolicited opinion, and in-laws may react in ways that contradict each other, creating more conflict and an added dimension of heartache. Social judgement leaves those on the receiving end at a social loss. What may have once been a full circle of friends is no longer accessible. Parties, events, and shared spaces suddenly shift or bear an unfriendly emptiness that serves as a reminder of the separation.

Personal impact

Overall, the personal impact of divorce varies from person to person. However, there are several areas that seem to suffer regardless of the circumstances.

1) Self-image and loss of security

From a developmental perspective, marriage often becomes the primary attachment, replacing the one formerly held by parents or caregivers. Attachment supports one’s sense of identity, security and worth. Ideally, the second attachment with a partner can heal or expand upon the first attachment, providing a stronger and deeper bond as an individual matures through adulthood.

Imagine the pain of realizing that this new attachment did not withstand life’s pressures. It fell apart somehow. Separation or divorce often stir up deeper feelings of rejection or inadequacy, drawing attention to old wounds from the past. The experience of losing this attachment can provoke those deeper questions, Am I worthwhile? Am I loveable? Is there something wrong with me? It may be a long time before someone begins to feel worthy or like themselves again.

2) Stress and life disruption

During separation or divorce stress increases exponentially. In 1967 Holmes-Rae published the Life Change Index Scale. Perhaps you’ve seen this before. It lists 43 different items and a number rating their impact. Some of the items include change in financial state, sex difficulties, pregnancy, and jail time. The top three items are death of a spouse, divorce, and marital separation. Coming in fourth place after all of that is serving jail time! Separation and divorce between two people kick off a series of changes that impact every aspect of life. Finances, living arrangements, parenting (if applicable), social engagements and routines lose their foundation. After the structure of a shared life is ruptured, each partner must slowly rebuild everything. This takes time, effort, and the long suffering of trial and error.

3) Grief and loneliness

Grief and loneliness set in when the reality of separation takes concrete form. The marriage is over and its finalization has rendered life disjointed, full of gaps and empty spaces. Recognizing this loss is one thing, accepting it is another. Some may say that grief is the same thing as feeling sad, which is true in some ways. However, grief bears the complexity of human hope hard at work amidst disappointment. The stages of grief, denial, bargaining, anger and depression reflect the persistent thoughts that many face, I can’t believe this happened, I never expected my life to be like this, is this really the end of our story?

The only way to deal with grief is to go through it, recognizing unfulfilled hopes, disappointment, and unexpected turns of events. Even though the final stage of grief is acceptance, and some arrive at that point in certain aspects of their life, it is an ongoing process. Five, ten, even fifteen years later, someone may still feel the heavy ache of remembering how things fell apart in the marriage. They may encounter daily reminders of the life they expected or hoped to have. Their life may still feel inescapably lonely.

What can you do?

As a final thought, consider how you might support someone you know who is going through a divorce. Trying to ‘give someone space’ when they are going through a difficult time is often less helpful than it may seem. It can unintentionally communicate distance or avoidance, adding to the loneliness they may already feel. If someone truly needs space, they will typically express that in their own way. Aim to maintain consistency in your relationship, whether you are close or generally acquainted. Continue to acknowledge, include, and relate to them as you normally would. Checking in, inviting them along, and remembering details can quietly encourage a sense of stability and belonging when much of life feels uncertain. Broadly speaking, make it your goal to support their dignity as a human person. Your willingness to remain present, without judgment or withdrawal, can become a meaningful source of stability during a time when much of life feels uncertain.

Divorce & Beyond: Finding Hope, Healing, and Growth by Bill Koontz, Dan Cox and Paulette Liburd

Posted by Leah Chen,  April 17th, 2026