Could Your Temperament Be Affecting Your Relationships?

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"I don't understand why everyone takes so long to make a decision," Sarah said with frustration. "I already know what needs to happen."

A few minutes later she paused and added, almost as an afterthought, "My husband says I come across as controlling. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to help."

As therapists, we often explore attachment history, family dynamics, trauma, beliefs, and coping strategies. These are all important pieces of the puzzle. But another piece that can be incredibly helpful—and is sometimes overlooked—is temperament.

Temperament refers to our natural, inborn tendencies: how we typically respond to the world, process emotions, interact with others, and approach challenges. While our experiences shape us, our temperament often provides the foundation upon which those experiences are built.

Over the years, I've found that understanding a person's temperament can bring tremendous clarity. Clients often realize that what they've viewed as a character flaw may simply be a natural tendency that has become unbalanced or misunderstood.

Returning to Sarah, she wasn't intentionally trying to dominate others. She naturally possessed strengths such as decisiveness, confidence, and leadership. These qualities served her well professionally. However, under stress those same strengths could become impatience, rigidity, or a tendency to overlook the perspectives of others. Her husband wasn't experiencing her intentions; he was experiencing the impact.

This is true for all temperaments. Every temperament has gifts that enrich relationships, and every temperament has vulnerabilities that can create conflict if left unchecked.

Sometimes the misunderstanding is directed outward. A highly conscientious person may view a more spontaneous spouse as irresponsible, while the spontaneous spouse experiences the conscientious partner as controlling. Neither person is necessarily "wrong." They may simply be interpreting the other's behavior through the lens of their own temperament.

Other times, the misunderstanding is directed inward. Someone with a naturally sensitive temperament may believe they are "too emotional" or "weak," when in reality their emotional depth allows them to empathize deeply, notice subtleties others miss, and form meaningful connections. What needs attention may not be the sensitivity itself but learning how to regulate it and use it wisely.

Understanding temperament doesn't excuse unhealthy behavior, nor does it place people into rigid boxes. Instead, it provides a compassionate framework for understanding why certain patterns come more naturally than others. It also reminds us that growth doesn't require becoming someone else. It means developing the virtues and skills that help balance our natural tendencies.

As counselors, one of our goals is to help clients see themselves more accurately—not through the lens of shame or comparison, but through truth. Temperament can be a valuable tool in that process. When clients recognize both the strengths and vulnerabilities, they naturally bring into relationships; they often become less critical of themselves, more understanding of others, and more intentional about how they respond.

Sarah didn't need a different personality. She needed greater awareness. Once she recognized how her natural strengths could unintentionally affect those around her, she was able to slow down, become more curious, and communicate with greater warmth. Her leadership remained a gift—it simply became tempered with humility and empathy.

Sometimes healing begins not by changing who we are, but by better understanding how we were made.

Written by Lorrie, July 18th, 2026