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9 Ways for Parents to Take Care of Their Mental Health During COVID-19

  

9 Ways for Parents to Take Care of Their Mental Health During COVID-19

Posted by Niki Montecillo on March 20, 2020 

You’ve probably heard of the oxygen mask procedure on airplanes. During the safety demonstration on a flight, the video or flight attendant shows how adults who have a child in their care MUST put on their oxygen mask on first, before putting on the oxygen mask for their child. Why? Because if you focused on the child first, you’d run out of oxygen, pass out, and now neither of you are able to get your masks on.

The same applies to your own mental health! The coronavirus pandemic we are all living through separately, yet together, has truly shifted the dynamics of most families. Many families are now spending lots of time together in the same space, and tensions can run high. There are a lot of great resources out there for how parents can create structure (like creating schedules for activities, meals, etc) and fun for their kids in the home, but if a parent is having a difficult time taking care of their own mental health, the responsibility to care for their children’s emotional needs can seem monumental, daunting, and perhaps even draining at times. 

In an effort to address the very real needs that parents have, here are some tips and suggestions for how a parent can put their mental health oxygen mask on first:


1. Breathe.

Sounds simple, right? You’d be surprised how much depends on your breathing. If you feel like your thoughts or emotions are starting to become chaotic, take a moment to fully focus only on your breathing. Notice how it feels to breathe air in, breathe air out. Really let it be the center of your attention. Keep doing it until you feel your body relax and your heart rate slow down. To take it one step further, imagine all of the emotional gunk inside of your body coming out with each breath, and then imagine breathing in a feeling of peace and rest with each breath.


2. Take a time out.

Someone is screaming, or not listening to you, or having a meltdown because you shut off the TV,  and you’re pretty sure you’re about to have a meltdown yourself. It’s okay to say, “Mom/Dad needs a time out to cool down in another room.” Go to a space in your house where there will be no or few distractions, where you feel safe, close the door, breathe. If needed, remind yourself of 3 reasons why you love your kid, and then go back out there.


3. Acknowledge your feelings.

If part of the solution to helping kids with their feelings is to acknowledge them, the same can be said for you! If you have no one to speak to, just say it out loud, “I’m scared that/when _.” “I’m angry that/when_.” If you have a spouse or another adult in the house, make a rule that you are allowed to come up to them, tell them how you’re feeling, and the other person’s job is to just listen (no judging, no solutions!). 


4. Tell your children how you feel, by saying “I feel” and then your observation.

You do not have to be the world’s most patient and unemotional robot with your kids. You can totally tell your children what emotional state you are in. But be careful to phrase it the right way – your children should not feel like your emotional state is their responsibility. There is a subtle difference between “You’re making me scared when you jump off the couch“ and “I see you jumping off the couch. I am scared that you will hurt yourself.“ Focus on “I feel” statements versus “you make me feel.”


5. Have conversations with friends/family who know how to support you.

Schedule a time, daily, that you can talk with a family member or a friend just to catch up, express your thoughts/emotions, and feel connected with another adult. You can mutually support each other with compassion and understanding.


6. Limit your screen time.

Be honest with yourself. How often are you checking your phone or computer just to check out emotionally or mentally? Or to check on the coronavirus updates? Or to read another article? Do you find yourself more emotionally reactive, less patient, after you have done so? Keeping updated is definitely important, so avoiding it altogether is not the solution. Schedule times of your day that you will allow yourself to check those updates or read another article. Make a plan for how you will emotionally “reset” afterwards.


7. Choose restful activities for the evenings, after kids are in bed.

Movies, TV, the internet, social media can all be ways to slow down for sure. But when we fall into patterns where we have done a lot of those things, and we don’t feel rested emotionally, then other ways to relax need to be incorporated into your evening. You want to go to bed at night feeling like you are filled with a feeling of peace and rest, ready to sleep and face the new day. Examples of activities that many find restful are reading books, taking baths, listening to an audiobook/radio drama/music with a spouse, looking through old family photos, praying, or playing a board game.


8. Be purposeful about your attitude at the start of your day.

Right after you wake up, it’s normal to groggily realize that you are waking up to your current reality and you have to accept it all over again. If your child comes in bursting with energy, ready to play, or whining and crying, check your thoughts. Are you thinking, “I can’t take this anymore,” or “I can’t believe he’s already like this!” Instead, take a moment to acknowledge what you’re feeling, and then find 1-3 things you can be grateful for in that moment. “Thank goodness we have a house with lots of toys in it.” “I’m grateful that I got some sleep.” It doesn’t need to be huge, but finding even a few things to be grateful for in that moment can shift your attitude, and it will likely shift your child’s attitude, too.


9. Practice self-compassion – forgive yourself.

Did you just blow up at your kids? Are you feeling guilty for all the screen time they’ve been getting? Acknowledge what you did, how it makes you feel, say, “I forgive myself,” and pick yourself back up. Children are often quick to forgive, too. Make amends with them (it models self-compassion, making apologies, and forgiveness!), with yourself, and move on. Each moment, each day, is another opportunity to try again. Don’t let one bad moment define the rest of the hour, the day, the week.

I hope these few tips and suggestions will be helpful to parents who are juggling so much in their homes right now. You are not alone in this struggle! Stay tuned for more posts with tips on how families can cope – and perhaps even thrive! – during this time.

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Erikson’s Stage Theory of Psychosocial Development: Intro


Posted by Niki Montecillo on May 22, 2018 


Many people are aware of physical developmental milestones to be met throughout a person’s life – holding up our heads, sitting up, crawling, walking, running, puberty, and beyond. However, did you know that there are psychological milestones? Ever since psychology has become its own distinctive field, many theorists have come up with various explanations for the general stages that all humans go through in order to grow into a mature and fully functioning adult.One such theorist was Erik Erikson, who came up with an eight stage theory of psychosocial development (1959). Within his theory, there is a “crisis” in each stage – meaning that there is some new psychological challenge to be met and processed, and there are two outcomes (positive and negative). If the outcome is positive, then that person is capable of progressing healthily into the next stage. Otherwise, that person goes through that stage with a negative outcome, which can negatively impact how they progress through the next stage. What does that mean? Within this theory, that means that there are 30 year olds out in the world who may still be acting like 8 year olds sometimes because they have not successfully worked through that psychosocial stage.Now you’re probably curious what the stages are:


Stage 1: birth – 18 months: Trust vs. Mistrust

Stage 2: 18 moths – 3 years: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

Stage 3: 3-5 years: Initiative vs. Guilt

Stage 4: 5-12 years: Industry vs. Inferiority

Stage 5: 12-18 years: Identity vs. Role ConfusionS

tage 6: 18-40 years: Intimacy vs. Isolation

Stage 7: 40-65: Generativity vs. Stagnation

Stage 8: 65+: Ego Integrity vs. Despair


That may sound like a lot of words and it may be difficult to understand what it all means! That’s why we’re going to run a series of blog posts during the next few weeks explaining each stage of Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development with applications of what it looks to have processed it positively or negatively. Feel free to make comments on posts if you have any questions. We hope that this series will be educational and helpful to you!

Erikson’s Theory: Stages 1 and 2

Posted by Niki Montecillo on May 25, 2018 


Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust


We are born into the world helpless and vulnerable. The way we are cared for in the very first moments of life – from birth until 12-18 months – will determine if we can trust the world around us.When we cry, does our caretaker respond to us quickly and consistently? When we’re hungry, are we fed? Are we cuddled and touched in loving ways? Can we depend on our loved ones to keep us safe, clean, warm, fed, and healthy? If the answer is yes, an infant will develop a sense of trust in the world.Trust is established through time and experience. An infant whose caregiver provides loving, consistent care teaches an infant that the world – and other people – can be trusted. Once trust is established, the child can have hope that they will continued to be cared for in the future.According to Erikson, if a child develops trust during this stage of life, it will affect their relationships through adulthood. They may find it easier to bond, or attach, to others in safe relationships.On the flip side, if an infant experiences abuse, neglect, or inconsistent care they will develop a mistrust of the world. In their experience, the world is unpredictable and will not meet their needs. Erikson believed that these infants would then grow into adults who were anxious, distrusting and unable to form healthy, safe relationships.How do you help your infant pass successfully through this stage?1. Respond to your child’s cries as quickly and consistently as you are able.2. Hold your child often, even when they’re not in distress.3. If you’re able, ask for help from a trusted friend or family member to help you meet your infant’s needs when you are drained and need a nap/break/a shower.In therapy, most intervention would be around supporting the primary caregiver in meeting the needs of the infant. A therapist trained in caregiver-infant attachment could help increase feeling of security by baby through interventions implemented by the parents.


Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt


As a child becomes mobile, via scooting, crawling, cruising and walking, it gains a whole new world of independence. Now, a child can achieve their goals without as much help from a caregiver.Between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, a child’s abilities develop at a rapid pace, and can lead to a newfound sense of independence, or autonomy. This stage builds upon the first in that, a child with a secure attachment and general trust of the world, is more likely to explore and try new things with abandon.A child who trusts its caregiver, will begin their exploration in small ways, often looking back at the caregiver to provide encouragement and reassurance. Soon, a child may move from small adventures to big ones, from small tasks, such as using silverware, to larger tasks of dressing and toileting. Children will also begin to choose their own toys and initiate caregivers or peers in play.If a caregiver is able to allow the child enough freedom to explore, while at the same time coming to their aid when needed, a child will develop confidence and independence. If a caregiver is able to praise the child’s successes and reassure them in their failings, a child will develop even more autonomy.However, if a caretaker is too controlling, not allowing the child to try new things on their own, the child will be given the message that they are incapable and may not gain that feeling of independence and confidence.Similarly, if a caretaker is critical or shaming of a child’s attempts and failings, that child will be discouraged from exploring and may stop trying new things with the same frequency and vigor.  These children make have low self-esteem, higher anxiety, and over dependence on others.How do you help your 18 month-3 year old pass successfully through this stage?1. Thoroughly toddler-proof your home, and remove anything that you don’t want to be broken/destroyed (such as important paperwork, fragile decorations, etc.). Create a safe space for your child to explore.2. Do not shame or punish your child if they accidentally break something. Remember that mistakes will happen during this exploration stage, and are not a sign of your child being purposefully “bad”.3. Be positive and encouraging while your child explores.

Erikson’s Theory: Stage 3

Posted by Niki Montecillo on May 29, 2018


 Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt


This stage spans the age range of 3-5 years old, otherwise known as the preschool years. Assuming that the first two stages have been successfully achieved, then the 3-5 year old trusts the world and has a healthy sense of autonomy (as much as could be expected from a 3 year old generally – feeding, toileting, etc).In the preschool years, children begin to become more deeply involved in their play; this is how they explore the world and express themselves. This makes sense, doesn’t it? Do you remember being obsessed with trains and acting out scenarios, or playing with a baby doll, or building something out of blocks? That was exploratory and expressive play!Initiative vs. guilt could also be understood as “I’m a good kid who can try things, sometimes succeeding, sometimes making mistakes” vs. “I’m a bad kid who has bad ideas”. At this stage it is important that parents and caretakers encourage their children (when reasonable) to make some of their own choices: what they play with, who they play with, what they’re interested in. This builds up a child’s sense of initiative, or security in one’s own abilities and decision-making skills. If the answer to any child-led idea or direction is often put down or squelched, then the tendency is for the child to assume that they are a nuisance and therefore “bad.”How do you help your 3-5 year old pass successfully through this stage?1. Take the time to notice what your child is doing in their playExamples:“You really know how to take care of that doll” emphasizes your child’s ability to nurture and empathize with others.“That tower game is hard to get right, but you keep trying anyway!” emphasizes your child’s ability to be persistent and hard-working.2. Listen to your child’s ideas and treat them seriously3. Make an effort to compromise with your child on ideas they might haveIn therapy, the counselor would help your child achieve these goals through play therapy and by coaching parents in developing the parenting skills they need to foster initiative in their preschool-aged children.

Erikson’s Theory: Stage 4


Posted by Niki Montecillo on May 31, 2018 


Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority


In Erikson’s 4th stage, Industry vs. Inferiority (typically ages 6-12), the task is achieving competence.  If all goes well enough, children begin to build a sense of who they are (self esteem) based upon what they can do, building upon earlier developmental milestones.“Look what I can do!” “I won!” And similar exclamations reflect the sense of achievement and need for that to be recognized that is typical of this stage.  Winning and losing are a big deal.  Learning to spell, memorize facts, complete a craft or science project, run fast, etc, build confidence especially when tasks are achievable and encouraged by caregivers.  If caregivers expect more than is achievable, don’t recognize achievements, or discount achievements a sense of failure, shame, or inferiority may follow.  Sad face!If earlier developmental stages were completed less than optimally, individuals can begin to lean heavily on competence to compensate for earlier gaps in development. For example, if someone lacks a solid foundation in Trust vs. Mistrust, s/he may more easily gravitate toward over-focus on achieving in work or school, saying friends or relationships are not worth it.  Conversely, a foundation of good friendships and trusting relationships can temper the urge to win at any cost in the pursuit of competence and self esteem.

Stuckness later in life related to this stage can look like becoming easily discouraged or insecure when faced with a task/challenge, preoccupation with ‘winning’ or being good enough, and/or low self esteem.  Focus on “I’m really good at ….” or competition with others without good sportsmanship can also be indicative of disrupted development in this area.Healthy or complete-enough development in this stage includes having a balanced and generally accurate view of self – seeing ones own talents, strengths and weaknesses, and knowing others have talents, strengths and weaknesses, too.  Being willing to try new things, persevere through long or complicated tasks, and try again after failure are all indications that development in this area is strong.Therapy-related focus for individuals struggling with issues related to industry vs. inferiority may include SMART goals, enhancing and celebrating small successes, and healing unprocessed memories related to early experiences of self as incompetent or inferior.  You can support loved ones by encouraging their efforts and small success, letting go of comparisons, and accepting their talents, strengths and weaknesses as well as your own.

Erikson’s Theory: Stage 5

Posted by Niki Montecillo on June 6, 2018 


Stage 5: Identity vs. Role Confusion


Have you ever looked back on your teenage years and thought, “what was I thinking dressing like that?!” Or perhaps, do you have the same thoughts about your current teenage child? Or do you wonder why all of a sudden their friends seem to matter so much more to them than their own family members?Rest assured, these are all natural aspects to this psychosocial developmental stage, which spans the age range of 12-18 years. In this stage, the teenager is seeking to figure out his identity – what he values, what circles he will move in, what his interests are, what he will commit to in life. This is all part of forming an identity. Teenagers are more interested in spending time with friends and on their interests as they form the foundation for the sort of person they are going to be in the adult world. What others say and how they react to a teenager is very important in this stage. Teenagers remain very sensitive to the reinforcement (positive or negative) and encouragement that they will receive from their family, friends, teachers, and coaches. That’s why a deep sense of relationship needs to be fostered with your teenager so that he feels comfortable coming to you with the “tough stuff.”At the same time, teenagers require enough freedom to make more choices than they were allowed in the past. Of course, with choices comes more responsibility, and a teenager should be made well aware of that. If a teenager is blocked from having more freedom to choose and move about as he will, he might end up fighting against that by hiding what he is doing or making choices that he knows others would disapprove of. In short, a teenager coming to a sense of solid identity needs more freedom, more responsibility, and deeper and encouraging relationships with those who can guide him rightly. If a teenager does not end up successfully forming an identity at this stage, he ends up having role confusion: he is not sure of who he is, what he likes, what values he is committed to, what his interests in career options are, and he is left feeling disappointed and confused about who he is and lacking a sense of direction.In therapy, the counselor would encourage parents to shift perspective and allow more freedom for their teenager and/or form deeper relationships with their teenager (according to what is lacking). At the same time, the counselor would probably give more autonomy to the teenager in sessions – making it clear that she will only share what is absolutely necessary with the parents. A counselor can help a teenager process through old relational processes that block the teenager’s ability to make social connections and help them become more aware of their strengths and interests and encourage their development and exploration within the context of the therapeutic relationship.

Erikson’s Theory: Stage 6


Posted by Niki Montecillo on June 15, 2018 


Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation


This stage refers to the ages between 18 and 35/40 and presuming the individual has successfully established an identity based on the first 5 stages, the young adult is now able to form close and meaningful relationships with another person outside of their family of origin. These intimate relationships are not exclusive to romantic relationships, as in this stage the young adult also develops in his/her ability to engage in finding satisfying work.In this stage the young adult grows in the virtue of love in the sense that s/he is able to take the love received as a child and begin to love and care for others. The challenges in this stage involve finding a balance between maintaining autonomy while also being attached to others. When the young adult fails to achieve intimacy this can result in alienation, isolation, loneliness, and depression. This failure may be due to a fear of commitment and avoiding intimacy (that can be due to unsuccessful completions of earlier stages). Isolation involves self-absorption that can inhibit the ability to develop deep relationships.In therapy, the counselor may work with the young adult to identify their own set of values versus those of their parents as a means of developing a sense of self. This may involve repairing insecure attachment styles. After this, the counselor would then work on teaching the young adult how to relate to others emotionally, intellectually, physically and/or spiritually.Pin It Posted in: Awareness, Counseling, Lorrie Saldivar

Erikson’s Theory: Stage 7

Posted by Niki Montecillo on June 18, 2018 


Generativity vs. Stagnation


This stage typically occurs between age 31 and 60 (adulthood).  The main focus of this stage is becoming a productive member of society.  This is defined by procreation and taking responsibility for caring for one’s own children and the children of others.  In addition to getting married and raising children, this stage is characterized by being a contributing member of society and fully accepting responsibility for developing the next generation. Passing on the cultural norms and values not only to your own children but in an altruistic way helps to develop society as a whole.

Generativity refers to being productive and creative. Whether it’s creating yourself and those around you or producing new and innovative products that ultimately help society, generativity is about continuing to improve and always working to become something new, something better and realizing one’s full potential. Generativity is a product of a well-developed ego (or self-concept) and the ability to have healthy intimate relationships with others.    The opposite of generativity is self-absorption, stagnation and underdeveloped ego strength.   Stagnation is when a person is too self-absorbed and self-indulgent to care for the needs of others or society.  In the unsuccessful completion of this stage, generativity and productivity have given way to self-centeredness and provincialism and the most basic strength of adulthood, caring for others, has been set aside.   Although there are lots of therapeutic approaches to helping someone stuck in stagnation and self-absorption, one approach might be to begin by addressing ego strength.  Feeling good about one’s self and being happy with who we are is vitally important to being able to develop and maintain intimate relationships.  Generativity is built out of hope for a better future and the confidence to produce that future.    



Erikson's Theory: Stage 8

Posted by Michelle Browning on June 20, 2018 


Stage 8: Ego Integrity vs. Despair

(Age 65+)

Remember When?

One of our favorite things to do during family get-togethers, holidays, birthday is reminisce.

As a child I thought our family had all the jokes, but thankfully and beautifully, I grew up and found out every family has their own stories and jokes that are both hilarious and heartwarming.  It is beautiful to sit with any family during a meal and hear not only the updates of how everyone is doing but to go back in time and experience an old story for the first time or for the hundredth time and giggle away.  Watching everyone get excited about sharing a forgotten detail is fun; listening to people add emphasis to an impossible happenstance or outcome is hilarious.  These are some of the best ways to connect with family, whether they are your family or someone else’s.

As adults mature, reflection time can be a gratifying activity.  Looking back on accomplishments can bring a sense of pride, feelings of contentment and satisfaction.  Gratitude usually follows, just for the experiences, places visited, and especially the relationships and connections encountered.

At the age of 65, adults enter into Erik Erikson’s Final Stage of PsychoSocial Development, Maturity.  Maturity or late adulthood carries a conflict between integrity and despair.  The pinnacle of this stage is looking back on one’s entire life – all of the experiences, situations and relationships, in a positive light.  Erikson posits that coming to terms with and accepting oneself fully, helps create a sense of integrity and completeness.

Living a life of acceptance for the self, assuming responsibility for one’s life, without the possibility of undoing any decision or action, and being okay with it all is crucial to satisfaction with self and with life.

For those unable to achieve this; feeling regret or wishing for second chances to do something over, leads to despair.  Feeling that life is unfinished, incomplete or that the self is unrealized can lead to a fear of death.  Failing to resolve life’s challenges can leave a person with unfulfilled desires which can lead to a blaming stance.  Sometimes bitterness or even disgust are felt.

When a person has successfully faced life’s challenges or has learned through his or her mistakes, they may realize in late adulthood that what they went through, gave them wisdom.  They own their decisions, their emotions, and have no regrets, which in turn brings peace of mind.

In therapy, the counselor would help the person in this stage resolve any previously unsuccessful psychodevelopmental stages using a variety of theoretical approaches – existential, psychodynamic, trauma-oriented, and attachment oriented, to name a few. Resolving old issues helps make the person in this stage more free to embrace a hopeful and satisfied stance at the end of life.



Spring Suicide Awareness

Posted by Niki Montecillo on May 1, 2017

 It’s widely known that antidepressants (SSRIs) pose a risk to increased suicidality, especially when a person is just starting to take antidepressants or the dosage taken is increased.  That’s strange, isn’t it? Does not compute!  During those weeks it takes for the antidepressant to reach full effect, some people experienced increased agitation as serotonin levels increase, giving energy to act on thoughts that they previously did not have the energy to carry out.


It turns out that sunshine, specifically increased exposure to daylight, may have a similar effect on serotonin levels for some people.  See article ( http://reliawire.com/surprising-link-sunshine-suicide/  ) Statistically, suicide rates are higher in the Spring – sadly, many in the Central Texas area have seen this all too well among teens and young adults in recent years .  Perhaps it’s not just Spring Break, upcoming exams or filing taxes that causes this agitation.


Through formal learning and witnessing clients’ experience, I see that the most difficult part of a journey is often not at the bottom of the proverbial valley. Rather, the most difficult part is often when we’re about half way up the slope and find ourselves fatigued, frustrated, and invested enough in what we’re doing that we’re irritated we’re not “there yet.”  Since we can’t yet see the results of the climb, it’s common to wonder if we can or should keep moving toward the goal at the top.  Similarly, we may hopefully begin a project, and give up or wane in enthusiasm when an obstacle is encountered and makes the initial goal seem (or actually be) impossible to reach.


When someone is agitated or discouraged, connection to others is one of the most important preventative factors.  Connection to supportive others provides hope that the current struggles will pass, or if they don’t, others will be with them through the struggle.  It’s important to take suicidal thoughts seriously and seek professional or emergency help when needed. For more information: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 1(800) 273-8255.


By: Jennifer A. Madere, LPC-S.

Counselors are just people

Posted by Michelle Browning on February 26, 2016

Counselors and therapists are simply people that have spent time working on their emotional and mental health. The work of looking inward can impart wonderful healing, which compels counselors to share that gift with the world.  It’s a beautiful cycle…


One can find healing in a friendship, a counseling relationship, a spiritual journey, or even through reading a book in which the reader identifies with the hero or heroine and adopts healing by proxy.


Healing creates a “pay-it-forward” cycle.  “I was healed and now I want to bring others to such a point.  In turn, I hope their healing will affect those around them.” Counselors are just people.  They have families and friends that they love and sometimes argue with. They may have inner conflict about a situation and worry about it or get frustrated with it. Counselors have learned many tools to cope with difficulties, but prior to using those tools, they are human and experience the same human emotions as everyone else.


I wrote this piece because sometimes clients feel as if I have all of the answers, that I never experience anger or anxiety, and that my life is easy. Nothing could be further from the truth. Counselors are just people that want to help people with being… “people”.

Write letters for Valentine’s Day

Posted by Michelle Browning on February 2, 2016

For as long as I can remember, I have always loved sending and receiving mail. I didn’t fully understand the concept of mail until I was in 3rd grade. My grandmother worked at the first Hallmark store in our little hometown and she always gave the perfect card with her gifts. In her cards, she took a moment to write a little something, a special message from her to the recipient. Her writing intrigued me. Her thoughtfulness was so special.When I went away to college, “Momo” became my pen pal. She wrote every 2 weeks, asking how I liked school and telling me about home. I don’t think she ever knew how special her letters were to me. It was like I had a private part of her, secret conversations that would never be spoken out loud. I cherished the letters even more once her hearing began to fail.She taught me how people communicate through writing. She taught me to respect anyone willing to share themselves through a silent, ink-filled voice. Holding the paper that she wrote on meant something. I imagined her stopping in the middle of her day to write to me, which made me feel special.If you could write a short note to someone, what would you say? What if it made their day? What if they cherished it? What if they marveled that the paper they were holding was once in your hands? If you could write, “You are special”, or “You make me smile”, to your child, niece, nephew, sister, husband, neighbor, or someone small, so they could read it as many times as they wanted, would you do it?In marriage and family counseling, I often find myself suggesting letter writing. When a client has lost someone, we discuss writing a letter to that person to say the things that they didn’t get to say. When a couple is at an impasse, we practice writing in a shared journal to communicate more deeply. When a teenager is at odds with his parents, we write a structured letter, organizing feelings from desires.Consider your relationships – all of them. To appeal on a grander scale allow me to ask, what would be your last conversation with one of those persons be about? If you somehow knew that circumstances were about to change and you would not be able to say another word to someone, what would you say? It might be something really wonderful and special. My grandmother had no idea she touched my heart at such a young age. She merely wanted to have a connection with me.I think about her letters every Valentine’s Day.

Back to School Transitions

Posted by Jennifer Madere on July 30, 2014

Adults and children everywhere are in back-to-school mode! It’s an exciting and stressful time for many. Exciting because it means a fresh start, new teachers and friends, new books, new clothes and embarking on a new step in life. Stressful because it involves many changes in routine, decisions, and potential for success or failure. Whether you’re a parent, a college student, or trying to help a loved one through this normal but still challenging transition, follow these tips to have your best year yet and avoid burnout!


  • Remember what works and what’s important, and put those at the top of your daily priority list. If you know that you need morning prayer time, having lunches packed the night before, getting enough sleep, or taking 5 minutes to sketch out tomorrow’s to-do list to stay sane, do it and don’t get distracted. Whatever distracts you can probably wait, and won’t help you to maintain balance.


  • Limit outside or extracurricular commitments to a specific time or day – don’t let the temptations of every sports team tryout, play audition, volunteer opportunity, or happy hour take over your schedule. One extracurricular or volunteer activity per person in the household per week is usually plenty, and still allows you to do those things that you identified as “works and is important” (see #1).


  • Keep overwhelm at bay by setting daily goals and encouraging children to do the same. For example, “I’m going to call to set up that appointment I’ve been putting  off” or “I will complete my math drills before time runs out.” If possible, share goals as a family over breakfast or dinner, or while traveling to/from school or extracurricular events. Setting and achieving small goals builds motivation and confidence for moving toward long-term goals.


  • Sketch out an approximate schedule for the week. Now that you probably know recurring obligations, classes, and extracurricular activities, sketch them all out  (on paper or electronically) so you can see it all together. Don’t forget  to include time for homework, and maintaining self, health, and home. Let this be your guide for making decisions on spontaneous or additional activities.


  • Take time to listen and connect. Relationships often suffer when we get stressed or overwhelmed, but with a little effort they can fill us and keep us going. Make it a priority to truly connect with someone important to you each day – maybe it’s a phone call to a family member, pillow-talk with your spouse, 1:1 time with your child, or spending time in prayer.


  • Don’t ignore problems that arise – act on them prudently, but quickly. If a teacher or professor doesn’t seem to be a good fit, schedule a conference to discuss concerns and see if the situation can be remedied before everyone gets too frustrated. If you or your child seem to be struggling, arrange tutoring, peer mediation, or counseling to help get back on track.

Is intense therapy for you?

Posted by Jennifer Madere on July 30, 2014

Recently we have begun offering couples, family, and individual intensives. This approach can be helpful for busy people and those wishing to work through a specific experience or concern. Please contact us to discuss your specific needs after reviewing this Q&A.


What is intensive therapy? Intensive therapy is when we meet for three or four sessions in one day, sometimes for subsequent days, to address and resolve an identified issue. For example, if a family or individual has experienced a crisis or disaster, a couple has identified an issue that keeps their marriage in conflict, or and individual wishes to resolve a past disturbing or traumatic experience. One or more clinicians may be involved in the sessions depending on the needs of the client (family, couple, or individual).


Is intensive therapy for me? Do you have difficulty fitting weekly appointments into your schedule, travel frequently for work, or want issues to resolve more quickly than can be accomplished in one session per week? If so, an intensive may be a good option for you. At least one intake session with your counselor will be necessary to determine the appropriateness and focus of a therapy intensive for your situation.


When does an intensive happen? It can happen at the beginning of therapy (after an intake assessment), or during the course of more long-term therapy. Scheduling depends on the counselor(s) involved, however, weekend intensives are possible.


EMDR and intensive therapy: Many professionals and organizations offer intensive therapy days or weekends using many approaches. Our training and the nature of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy allows us to address and resolve many issues and patterns quite efficiently during extended sessions or an intensive, especially since EDMR does not require practice or “homework” to effect change.Contact us for more information or to set up an assessment appointment.



Intimacy by Invitation

Negotiating Intimacy & Consent Healthily Within Marriage

I listen to all types of issues that come up in marriage counseling. Some are embarrassing, even distressing for spouses to bring up. One of the issues that I’ve been asked about time and again is – how often should we be having sex OR how can I ask for more sex OR how can I decline sex without causing hurt feelings. One of the most important factors that can help answer these questions pertains to consent.

An article, "A Catholic Guide to Practicing Consent in Marriage" by Grace Wojdak, emphasizes the importance of consent and the unitive aspect of sexuality in Catholic marriage. The article integrates Catholic teachings, philosophical insights, and practical advice to help couples cultivate a healthy, consensual, and unitive sexual relationship. ​


The healthiest goal of marital sex act is to be unitive. While Catholic marriage prep classes often teach the purpose of sexuality is procreation and that the spouses are open to life. What sometimes gets overlooked is, the unitive bringing the spouses together for the good of the marriage bond and for the good of each of the spouses, individually. Unitive sex meets these qualities: it is consensual, freely chosen, and brings spouses closer together in marital unity.


Unitive sex brings about virtue that is relational. Consent is not just a one-time verbal agreement but an ongoing process throughout the relationship, throughout the day, and throughout a sexual encounter. ​Mutual respect between the spouses, attentiveness to each other's feelings, and the ability to detect subtle signs of hesitancy or willingness are always in progress.​

Couples should prioritize connection, non-sexual rituals of connection. Couples need to practice open communication – finding ways to discuss their needs and preferences. Additionally, couples should practice affectionate touch throughout the day; simple hand-holding, a touch on the arm, or hugging for example. These help build a sex life that is fulfilling. These actionable items create emotional intimacy, trust, and security which are crucial to a strong, healthy marriage.


What can cultivate consent? Couples can and should talk openly about their sexual preferences, desires, and experiences, using shared terminology to avoid misunderstandings. ​

Couples need to be engaging in non-sexual rituals of connection, often. Examples of this are common touches, like hugging and hand-holding, sitting closely as a routine part of their day. All of these practices to build trust and closeness. ​


Active listening, learning to read each other's verbal and non-verbal signals. Paying attention to each other’s cues, especially during intimate moments and ask for clarification when needed. ​

Develop shared meaning and ways for initiating and gently refusing sex, ensuring mutual respect and understanding. Remember, consent is ongoing, especially during intimacy. Think of it as a continual conversation, as rightly so during and throughout sexual encounters.

Don’t hesitate to seek therapy or counseling to address communication issues. More importantly, don’t hesitate to seek help to repair trust issues. Trust and communication strengthen emotional and sexual intimacy. ​


The author, Grace Wojdak, encourages Catholic couples to start conversations about sex and consent, to help develop a deeper understanding and connection to each other. 


Article: “A Catholic Guide to Practicing Consent in Marriage” by Grace Wojdak
https://churchlifejournal.nd.edu/articles/a-catholic-guide-to-practicing-consent-in-marriage/


Posted by Michelle M. Browning, Feb 19, 2026 

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